Being a spiritually driven group, vpFREEer's have been gathering for the
last three years at St. Joseph Husband of Mary Catholic Church, on West Sahara
to celebrate the joys of the season. There was a snafu in sending out the
invites so some of you might not have gotten the RSVP. Unless, you live in Oxnard
because of a faulty zip code on the envelopes.
This years festivities featured the Southern Nevada Symphony and the Las
Vegas Choral performing an abbreviated Christmas version of Handel's Messiah,
paid for by Bob Dancer as appreciation for all you do for his Video Poker
products. And, as a conciliatory move to patch up recent infighting on the vpFREE
list.
Security was high in both the parking lot and inside the church provided by
vpFREE's own paramilitary police SWAT division led by Commander Floyd R
Turbo. Extra vpFREE police were surrounding the coupon trading table to insure
trading instead of just taking. Upon entering the church foyer, Mickey Crimm saw
an opportunity to make money and set up a card table to deal some Three Card
Monte.
As the seating began for the ceremony and performance, Bob Dancer, was
sitting alone in the front row because... well, he paid for the entire evening and
he wanted that. In the second row behind Bob were Jean, Brad, JT, Paladin
and others. Bob turned around a few times to glared at Jean and she glared
back.
Noticeably missing was the new young bright hope of vpFREE for the next
generation of Video Poker books and software, Linda Boyd. As you recall she was
in two terrible accidents recently. The last one near Barstow in which her new
SUV was flattened by a semi, flatter than an Ellis Island pancake. She's OK,
unhurt and has a replacement vehicle, a new Hummer with interior roll cage
and extra wide wheels for protection in high cross winds.
Onstage the vpFREE administrator, wearing a paper bag on her head to protect
her anonymity, is presented with a five pound box of See's Candy and in turn
she stateed it will be passed around during the Messiah performance. She
then began reading from the vpFREE Bible.
Video Poker Psalm 23
The Casino is my Shepherd, I shall not want.
It maketh me to lie down in comp hotel rooms.
It leadeth me beside still complimentary drink waters,
while I standeth in line to cash my paycheck.
It restoreth my hope for a winning streak.
It leadeth me in the paths of near perfect play,
for whomevereth's strategy cards namesake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of Casino manager stares,
I fear no evil, for the Video Poker Gods art watching me.
OK, so I do fear evil.
It's rod and it's staff, they comfort me,
inside the room marked, "SECURITY'.
It preparest a table before me,
in the presence of mine enemies,
at the Plaza Chinese buffet,
until mine ememies voices thunder,
"YOU BEEN HERE FOUR HOUR! BUFFET OVER! YOU GO NOW!"
It anointest my head with oil at Ellis Island,
on Tuesdays,
if I hold the free pizza slice over my brow.
Alsoeth on Tuesdays,
My plastic pizza plate, it runneth over,
if, I showeth the clerk the coupon, maketh my order,
then hideth the coupon in my hand when served
Surely goodness and mercy and IRS audits shall follow me,
all the days of my playing life.
And I shall dwell,
in the house of The Gold Spike snack bar,
forever and ever.
AMEN
As the overture to the Messiah began the box of candy was passed from row to
row. But a problem developed. All Advantage players are expert in using
concealed food bags to get extra casino buffet food. The first few rows dump out
the stolen Arizona Charlie's buffet food they brought for the pot luck and
replace with as much candy as the bags will hold. The next few rows seeing this
began throwing their stolen food at the vpFREE'ers in the first rows.
The musicians stop playing and order was restored by Bob Dancer with the
help of a priest from the church. The music resumes and a calmness takes over
the audience. Renowned professional operatic tenor Georgio Tootseeroll sings
the first aria of the masterwork, Every Valley Shall Be Exhalted.
Everything goes well for the next several minutes but we all wondered where
is Linda Boyd? Word was passed to all seated that she was at the valet
entrance to the church. Her new Hummer locked her and the valet parking guy out
with the keys inside. Noted soprano Carmen Giha took to the microphone to do the
beautiful recitative, There Were Shepherds Abiding In The Fields. Bob Dancer
turns around and glares at Jean Scott again and mutters, "Oh, it's you. I
forgot my flea powder."
Jean, without a word stood on the very top of the pew while Brad steadied
her feet and began swing her purse in an arch much like an Olympic hammer
thrower. On the fourth swing it landed on Bob's head. The musicians stop again.
"Ooow ooww ooww. Why did you do that? I paid for all of this...."
"You outed my real name."
"No I didn't."
"Yes you did."
"No I didn't."
"No you didn't."
"Yes I did"
"See?"
Fighting and food throwing broke out in the entire audience when vpFREEer's
take sides in the Scott/Dancer debate. The oratorio conductor motions for the
orchestra to begin the Hallelujah Chorus in a effort to save the evening.
The back doors of the church flung open and Linda Boyd made a commanding
entrance. Everybody stood and cheered. vpFREE was whole again.
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